My Baby Monkey

So you get home from work, pissed off and in the mood to sit down and watch anything (except cricket). Do you want some serious trash television to melt your brain into shit so you don't have to think for a while?

My Baby Monkey is your perfect solution.

My first thoughts upon seeing this show? What the fuck. It is exactly what it sounds like. People who keep primates as pets, making them their babies in the place of human children.

This would be my worst nightmare. Monkeys are really, really naughty. And unlike actual children they don't understand when you say, "Don't shit on the couch". I held a monkey once in Thailand. His name was Bobo or Coco or Robo or something. I felt really sorry for him. Basically some dude just carried him around all day, making him sit on the shoulders of strangers for money. Of course when I saw the monkey I had to have a photo. But it was really uncomfortable. He kept crawling around my neck and grabbing at my hair, and his claws were sort of sharp. I'm pretty sure he was sedated. He had this weird, stoned monkey look about him.

So you're thinking, what freak would treat a monkey like a child? What kind of sad weirdo would buy their monkey CLOTHES and feed them BIRTHDAY CAKE and give them XYLOPHONES and fucking Barbie dolls?

Lots. And they're not necessarily mentally unhinged.

At first I was making fun of these "monkey parents" then I saw that most of them had been real mothers and fathers. Their kids had left home to go to university or get married or simply just to fuck off somewhere else. The mums are left with a photo album of memories and an empty house.

"It drove me crazy," one monkey mother said, "The house was empty. All five of my kids had left because they didn't want me in their lives anymore. They thought that I was pain, that I was horrible and mean. But I all I ever wanted was to be a mum. I became so depressed that I had to go to hospital for three months. But then I got my baby (monkey). Shes never going to leave home and go to college or get married. She'll stay with me forever."

However, this is unfair for the monkey. It amazes me that they live as long as they do, with their owners stuffing them with chocolate and donuts. NOT MONKEY FOOD.

Watch clip here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uP4k1imPy54