Everything I've ever told you could have been a lie.

This is my attempt to tackle the issue of the upcoming Federal election. Tony Abbott is comical. And lets be honest, Gillard is a puppet installed by the factional powerbrokers of the ALP.

Australian voters are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So how to choose between the two candidates? Would you have a replica of John Howard or a softer, red headed version of Kevin Rudd?

Here is where they stand on immigration (including the issue of population and asylum seekers), war and censorship.

Abbott just wants to stop the boats. He has stated this exact phrase repeatedly and with frightening determination, most noticeably in his four point “action contract”.

He plans to stop the boats through off shore processing ( reopening Nauru). He also wants to reintroduce temporary protection visas (a visa document implemented by the Howard government in 1999).

The TPV stopped refugees travelling overseas or finding employment in Australia. It stopped them accessing social security benefits and they were not allowed to sponsor family members for settlement in Australia. It was highly criticised by refugee advocates and humanitarian organizations.

Abbott’s other solution to the refugee problem is to simply turn the boats around. I’m not joking. He actually thinks it is possible to physically turn the boats back to their origin without incurring deliberate sabotage of the boats and/or loss of life for both refugees and Australians.

Abbott also ignores the fact that there is nowhere to turn the boats back to. Indonesia will not accept them.

Opposition immigration minister Scott Morrison has stated that if those pesky asylum seekers try the old “throw the passport overboard trick” they will simply be kicked off Australian soil.

Gillard is espousing a completely different view on immigration and asylum seekers. She says that Labour has already reduced the immigration intake from 300,000 in 2008 to 175,000 this year. She has more reductions planned.

As far as refugees are concerned, Gillard is content to throw them over to East Timor where she is determined to set up a processing centre. She has not yet set a date for its completion.

Gillard’s goal is to reduce the number of asylum seekers by wrecking the people smuggling trade. She wants to remove the incentive for boats to leave their ports of origin in the first place.

How will she do this? I suggest bribing the governments of Afghanistan and Sri Lanka into increasing screenings of horrible soap operas Home and Away and Neighbours. Perhaps she could place a massive poster of Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers in the centre of Kabul?

So now Afghanistan.

Tony Abbott is really looking forward to throwing even more of our money at a war that Australia never should have entered. He aims to increase defence spending by 3 per cent every year until 2018.

At Sydney’s Lowy Institute on 23rd April, Abbott stated, “…the near certainty of higher casualties must be weighed against the consequences of failing to shoulder extra responsibilities.”

So Abbott is essentially saying that he would prefer to have young Australian men being blown up than risk looking silly in front of the United States or Britain.

What a fucking dick.

Gillard’s stance on Afghanistan is, like many of her other policies, far from solid. But she has provided a timeline of two to four years for the withdrawal of troops.

Gillard is still keen on the idea of an Internet filter, which will block sites that contain “illegal material” (what this material includes is up to your imagination).

As for Abbott’s opinion on the proposed mandatory filter…

“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

But everything I’ve ever told you could have been a lie. Don’t believe everything you read.